FROM ASK AMY APRIL8, 2015

From Ask Amy:

I am a 16 year old girl who lives in a foster home.  I am in my high school choir and we have a big performance coming up.   Our choir was chosen to entertain at a teacher's convention.  It was an incredible honor to be picked. The thing is that I am terribly nervous.   I think that I will screw up and embarrass myself and my choir as a whole.

We will be entertaining about 800 educators from all over the country so I have good reason to be shy. We got our gowns yesterday and they look fantastic. I need some advice on how to stay calm during big performances.

__________________________________

My response:

The whole theme of my book called, --- The Human Mind, covers this problem in detail.   The most important advice that I can give you, --- and this will apply to any achievement that you try to embrace, --- is to stop thinking that fear is a weakness. 

It certainly can be if you react to it incorrectly but if you react to it correctly, it will motivate you to increase your knowledge of the achievement in question.  You are already following this path by writing your letter and asking for advice.

Laughter can certainly be the best medicine.  Smile and laugh with your other choir members as often as possible and especially just before you go on stage.  This will not only calm you down but will help to calm down your fellow members of the choir also. 

When comedian Carol Burnett was asked about this problem many years ago, she said that when she first started, she used to pretend that all of the people watching her were sitting on the toilet.  You have a right to be confident, --- eventually it will all seem like "old hat" to you. Tell yourself positive statements rather than negative ones. 

I was so terrified to speak in front of my class when I was 14 years old that my whole body, including my voice, shook uncontrollably. Now, speaking in front of people is almost like "old hat" to me. 

Remember that a certain amount of nervous tension is good for you.   It helps to keep your mind alert and ready to do your best.  The trick is to think positively instead of negatively.   Give yourself positive reinforcement and make a conscious decision to enjoy yourself. 

Yes, --- you will still feel some nervous tension but react positively to it.  It is not the weakness that you used to think that it is.  In reality, with the passage of time, you will come to realize that it is one of your most valuable gifts.   Especially when you learn to react to it correctly.

MY RESPONSE TO JESSICA

Hello:

I believe from an early age that Jessica became afraid that she would not be able to live up to the incredible image that her father possessed.  That  image included his success as a Doctor, husband and father.

Sometimes one's fears can become so strong, especially if they are in effect for a long period of time, that they almost make it inevitable that the fear will come true. I believe that this is what happened to Jessica.  [Does this also apply to the sucicidal co-pilot who flew his airplane into the alps?]

Jessica's father correctly decided that he would not push his daughter into medicine.  It was up to her to make up her own mind.   Jessica decided that she would not take advantage of the closeness of her father and would think things through for herself.

Both of the above ideas have value but not if they are taken too far.  As per usual in life, moderation is the key.  The idea in Jessica's mind that her father figured everything out for himself and she should do likewise was wrong.

How did she know that her father figured everything out himself?   None of us are an island unto ourselves and to ask for another person's advice or help is essential to ones growth. 

One area where Jessica should have asked for help is when she decided to give her home phone number to her patients whom she had become friends with.  

Rules, such as this one, are not put in place indiscriminately with little or no thought.  They are usually adopted to avoid problems that have occurred in the past. 

Before deciding on her own to put forward this course of action, it was incumbent on Jessica to get her father's opinion on this subject and find out how he handled it himself.

This should not be considered as preferential treatment or bothering someone unnecessarily, this is of the utmost importance to the success of the job that Jessica was trying to succeed at.

Although she does not say the following words out loud, it is obvious that Jessica is thinking about her own life and her desire to find a partner, get married and have a child or children of her own.

This rather obvious conclusion can be gleamed from the words that she chose to express to Po Bronson.  "I've never been on a date."   "The Doctor who had to tell her  daughter to fix her own supper and go to bed without the her help."

"The Doctor who was being sued for 3 million dollars."  "The pregnant nurse who was inadvertently kicked in the stomach by a mother who was experiencing incredible pain in the birthing process." 

That kick resulted in the nurse in question bleeding from her vaginal area and when Jessica learned about this scenario she immediately went into the stairwell and broke down sobbing.

As is our wont to do, we extrapolate such stories into our own lives and the tension became palpable for Jessica.   "If I get married and have a baby, everyday that I work here I will be terrified that something like this will happen to damage or kill my baby."

It was wrong for her father to wait until the last day to give his daughter some advice; suggesting that perhaps she should give up the obstetrics and concentrate only on gynecology.   Although this was good advice, by that time it was simply too late.   

While Po Bronson tried to leave Jessica with some positive thinking about her future, I think the correct advice would be for her to confront her inability to say no to others.  To address her other short comings and if possible, continue to become the Doctor [or gynecologist] that she always wanted to be.

In my humble opinion, that would be her best future to embrace.  It would stop all the  crying and sadness that she currently feels.  Both father and daughter failed to communicate when it was needed.

Not because they just didn't care, but because they thought that they were behaving in the best way; at least until it all fell apart and everybody was left wondering --- why --- why --- why???                 

JESSICA'S DILEMMA

Hello:

This story is from Po Bronson's book called, --- "What should I do with [the rest of] my life?"  It begins on page 14 of that book.
__________________________

Jessica Grossman was twenty-eight. She was sobbing before we even began. Twice she curled up into a ball in her chair. She had been an ob-gyn at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia until four months ago when she abruptly quit after the usual two weeks notice. Her dilemma was overwhelming her. It added up to simply this: "What shall I do with the rest of my life?"

Jessica was a beautiful woman, her hair fell in long strawberry blond curls. She was pretty and distinctive. People looked twice. "Every moment from since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to do and everything that I prepared for was to practice medicine." 

"I worked 16 hour days for years. I had no personal life. I never could go to the gym because I had no time. I never went out on a date." So when I left, I also left my life behind. I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

Growing up, Jessica's dad was a cardiologist at Harvard's Brigham Hospital. He never pressured her to become a physician (she swears). But he was such a fabulous role model, because he had a palpable passion for his work.

As a youngster, when it snowed her father would take her with him to the hospital and she spent her time in a small room in the basement with a chalk board to write on and she loved every moment of it. She dreamed about snow so she could go to the hospital with her dad.

By high school she was allowed to tag along with her father's other students. He had a miraculous ability to tune out his entourage and concentrate entirely on his patient. Holding his or her hand and giving all of himself to his patient. 

Jessica worked in a veterinary hospital in the summertime and became familiar with the blood and guts aspect of surgery and knew that she could handle it.

Her grades and attitude were good enough to get her accepted as a ob-gyn resident at a hospital. She knew the hours were bad, because babies arrive on their own schedule. She knew ob-gyn's get sued a lot but she decided not to let this threat end her dream. 

Being on the maternity ward was an exciting experience punctuated by intense joy and relief. Every day she felt a surge of adrenaline.

Within a year however, Jessica's resolve broke down under the long hours of work as an intern. Misery and exhaustion were part of the deal.    What Jessica came to realize is that she had no "off" switch. 

It turns out that Doctors not only have to be good at giving of themselves to their patients, they have to be even better at drawing the line and protecting themselves. 

Jessica admitted that she did not have that ability. Others did and so did her dad but not her. Even worse, she decided that she couldn't learn how. In this regard, she decided that you were either born with it or you could never have it. [In this extremely important decision --- she was wrong!!!]

Jessica commonly cried with and for her patients. She also gave her patients her home phone number, even though the hospital had a rule against it. She regularly took the shifts that no one else wanted, including holidays. She just couldn't say no. 

She thought that this unrelenting stress would end when her internship was finished but things happened to persuade her that she was wrong.  First, she overheard a favorite Doctor tell her daughter on the phone that she would have to feed herself and put herself to bed also. 

Another Doctor said that she was being sued for 3 million dollars. Then a nurse was kicked in the stomach by a pregnant woman who was having trouble giving birth because her baby's shoulder was trapped behind her pelvic bone. 

Later the nurse admitted that she was four months pregnant and she was bleeding from her vaginal area as a result of the unintentional kick. The nurse did not lose her baby but she easily could have. It scared the hell out of Jessica and she went out into the stairwell and burst into tears. 

On another day , Jessica almost peed on herself after many hours of work where she would not even take the time to go to the washroom.  She decided to take a holiday and went over to London. 

She came back with gifts for her five other interns at the hospital but she was devastated when none of them acknowledged her gifts, let alone thank her for them. She concluded that they were just too busy to thank her. New Years eve was her last day. Partly because, once again she volunteered to work on that holiday.

Her father was devastated by her decision to give up her job at the hospital. He told her that he loved her and whatever she chose to do was fine but what about not doing the obstetrics and just doing the gynecology?

At that point she said, she didn't need him to solve her problems, all she needed was his understanding. She bluntly told him that her mind was made up. This was her last day. Some people can do it; I can't. I'm a failure.. That is what she said..

.

PLAY ON WORDS

Hello:

While I will attempt to be giving out sage or sound advice to anyone who asks for it, one could easily decide that I am talking about music when I use the word --- sound.

To be sure, if you want to sing while you are in the shower, be my guest.  I will not say that at least no one will hear you unless of course you are hopefully showering with your significant other.  In that case if the other person can stand your singing, more power to you. 

The main thing to remember is that your singing should indicate that whatever is happening in your life, you are willing to endure it or if you are lucky, to embrace it to the fullest.   In other words whatever life throws at you,  do your best to find the positives involved in your life.  

I am using the word sound in an effort to make use of alliteration with my name which is Steve.   At first I thought I might use sage (advice)  but that sounded too arrogant and so I have chosen the word sound instead.

One mistake people who give advice make is trying to sound like they are perfect; that whatever they are telling you must be right.   In reality trying to understand the human mind is far too complex.

The best that anyone can do is put forward better ideas than those that might be accepted as the ultimate truth, --- when in reality they are not.  What I am trying to say is that a deeper level of truth is what I have to offer, --- not the ultimate truth.

That attitude is considered to be wrong in this kind of business.  One must put ones ideas forward as the ultimate truth.   That makes it sound like no deeper level of truth is available and I think that is presumptuous of anyone to make such a claim.   

The jist of this kind of a discussion is to leave you confident that I can help you but at the same time not pretending that I have the ultimate answer.

And still further, to convince you that such protestations about not being able to provide you with the ultimate truth should not leave you believing that the advice that I have to offer is less than valuable.  

In effect, I am asking you to look at reality and its unending level of uncertainty, while at the same time giving full confidence to the ideas that I am expressing.   

In other words my advice will be much better than average and you will be better off if you either apply it word for word as I state it, --- or take it under advisement and adjust it to your personal situation as you see fit.   

I am modeling this blog under the same conditions that applied for Dear Abby or Ami or whoever.   The main difference is that I will not be pressed for space and have someone else shorten my message accordingly.  I will include everything that I think has value for the case in question.  

The first case to be explored will come from Po Bronson's book called, --- " What should I do with [the rest of] my life?"  The story starts on page 14 of that book.