JESSICA'S DILEMMA

Hello:

This story is from Po Bronson's book called, --- "What should I do with [the rest of] my life?"  It begins on page 14 of that book.
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Jessica Grossman was twenty-eight. She was sobbing before we even began. Twice she curled up into a ball in her chair. She had been an ob-gyn at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia until four months ago when she abruptly quit after the usual two weeks notice. Her dilemma was overwhelming her. It added up to simply this: "What shall I do with the rest of my life?"

Jessica was a beautiful woman, her hair fell in long strawberry blond curls. She was pretty and distinctive. People looked twice. "Every moment from since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to do and everything that I prepared for was to practice medicine." 

"I worked 16 hour days for years. I had no personal life. I never could go to the gym because I had no time. I never went out on a date." So when I left, I also left my life behind. I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

Growing up, Jessica's dad was a cardiologist at Harvard's Brigham Hospital. He never pressured her to become a physician (she swears). But he was such a fabulous role model, because he had a palpable passion for his work.

As a youngster, when it snowed her father would take her with him to the hospital and she spent her time in a small room in the basement with a chalk board to write on and she loved every moment of it. She dreamed about snow so she could go to the hospital with her dad.

By high school she was allowed to tag along with her father's other students. He had a miraculous ability to tune out his entourage and concentrate entirely on his patient. Holding his or her hand and giving all of himself to his patient. 

Jessica worked in a veterinary hospital in the summertime and became familiar with the blood and guts aspect of surgery and knew that she could handle it.

Her grades and attitude were good enough to get her accepted as a ob-gyn resident at a hospital. She knew the hours were bad, because babies arrive on their own schedule. She knew ob-gyn's get sued a lot but she decided not to let this threat end her dream. 

Being on the maternity ward was an exciting experience punctuated by intense joy and relief. Every day she felt a surge of adrenaline.

Within a year however, Jessica's resolve broke down under the long hours of work as an intern. Misery and exhaustion were part of the deal.    What Jessica came to realize is that she had no "off" switch. 

It turns out that Doctors not only have to be good at giving of themselves to their patients, they have to be even better at drawing the line and protecting themselves. 

Jessica admitted that she did not have that ability. Others did and so did her dad but not her. Even worse, she decided that she couldn't learn how. In this regard, she decided that you were either born with it or you could never have it. [In this extremely important decision --- she was wrong!!!]

Jessica commonly cried with and for her patients. She also gave her patients her home phone number, even though the hospital had a rule against it. She regularly took the shifts that no one else wanted, including holidays. She just couldn't say no. 

She thought that this unrelenting stress would end when her internship was finished but things happened to persuade her that she was wrong.  First, she overheard a favorite Doctor tell her daughter on the phone that she would have to feed herself and put herself to bed also. 

Another Doctor said that she was being sued for 3 million dollars. Then a nurse was kicked in the stomach by a pregnant woman who was having trouble giving birth because her baby's shoulder was trapped behind her pelvic bone. 

Later the nurse admitted that she was four months pregnant and she was bleeding from her vaginal area as a result of the unintentional kick. The nurse did not lose her baby but she easily could have. It scared the hell out of Jessica and she went out into the stairwell and burst into tears. 

On another day , Jessica almost peed on herself after many hours of work where she would not even take the time to go to the washroom.  She decided to take a holiday and went over to London. 

She came back with gifts for her five other interns at the hospital but she was devastated when none of them acknowledged her gifts, let alone thank her for them. She concluded that they were just too busy to thank her. New Years eve was her last day. Partly because, once again she volunteered to work on that holiday.

Her father was devastated by her decision to give up her job at the hospital. He told her that he loved her and whatever she chose to do was fine but what about not doing the obstetrics and just doing the gynecology?

At that point she said, she didn't need him to solve her problems, all she needed was his understanding. She bluntly told him that her mind was made up. This was her last day. Some people can do it; I can't. I'm a failure.. That is what she said..

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