DISTORRED FEARS CAN CAUSE THOSE FEARS TO COME TRUE.

Hello:

From the "Life" section of the Toronto Star on April 25, 2015; a [condensed] letter sent to Ellie:

I'm 37 and I am seeing a man who is also my age.  He is kind, attentive, doesn't smoke, drink or gamble.   He has a well-paying job and we get along well.  Neither of us have had any previous relationship experience.

After 2 months he asked if he could call me his girlfriend, I said yes but it would also be nice if we kissed each other once in a while.   He said that his insecurity prevents him from doing so.

I no longer feel the original spark.  I look for reasons to avoid him rather than seeing him.  I feel that the chance for romance is over.   At my age, this might be my last chance [to become a mother].

Should I stay or say good bye?

My response:

Here is a perfect example of a fear inside the man's mind helping to make the fear come true.  When he tells you that he doesn't kiss you because he is insecure, --- what he really means is that he is scared of rejection and losing you.  Which is exactly what will happen if he doesn't start being more physical.

You don't tell me why you have not been involved with other men, so that information is necessary if I am to make a better judgement of what should happen next. 

In spite of that lack of knowledge about you in particular, I suggest that the two of you start communicating on a much deeper level than you are at the present time.  

Tell him you are impressed with his good behavior but at the age of 37 you are running out of time to become a mother.  It is time for him to make a move.  Either he shows some emotion and physical attraction for you or you will have to look elsewhere.   

Then say you don't want to look elsewhere but you don't want to continue the way things are going right now either.   Don't be surprised if you do get physically involved and he isn't exactly as "good" as you dreamed he would be.

Give the both of you a chance to know each other intimately before you decide if this is forever or not.   Obviously it is  important to make sure that you will not become pregnant when you are trying to get to know each other better.